Update

 Just thought I would give an update on my journey through this new chapter...

It has been 3 1/2 months now and one quarter of school in the books as a freshman. I can't even begin to explain how proud I am. He moved into his aunt's house with two elementary aged kids, 1100 miles away from home and his family during a national health pandemic. He had to navigate starting a new school, which was only in session in-person for two days a week, while the other two days a week distance learning at home, make new friends. All while playing hockey, finding rides on his own, working out at the gym 3-4 days a week and navigating being on his own and being responsible for himself. He has learned how to do his own laundry, keep his room clean, sometimes helps his cousins with their homework, make his own food and clean up, and still being dedicated to hockey with shooting pucks and stickhandling when he can. He also has found that he is pretty fast and has been running a lot. I guess he is going to beat me now out on the trails.  I think he has adjusted to the move really good and he loves being in Minnesota. He has met some wonderful kids and made some good friends. He got to play and get in 20 games in the fall and was on the ice 4-5 times a week which was great considering the state of sports right now and he has progressed nicely. He had to adjust to the speed of the game and has gotten used to the size of the kids. It is different then he is used to but all good. Now we wait to see what is going to happen with the High School season.

Then there's me...

I am finding it was a bit harder...I will say when I hear his voice and see him smiling it makes me happy. As long as he's happy I am happy. But I miss him terribly. The first couple weeks, I cried everyday I'm not going to lie. I couldn't sleep and I still have a hard time sleeping soundly. There is just a different vibe in the house and his brothers had to find a new normal without him here. It has gotten a little bit better over time and Facetime helps but it isn't the same. We all knew it was going to be an adjustment but it has been harder for us then him. We have taken turns to go visit. My family is liking the regular trips back home to see family more often. 

I haven't really found a new routine since he's been gone. My life was so scheduled around his hockey and I am not sure what I am supposed to be doing. My oldest is self sufficient and doing online distance learning for high school and my youngest is at school all day everyday. At least my youngest son started Lacrosse and that just finished for the fall and my oldest had baseball for about a month. I went from being a homeschool mom with a busy hockey schedule to laying in bed until noon wondering what I should do for the day. I run 4-5 miles everyday and that's the only thing on my schedule. I am going to have to try to find things to keep me busy again. Maybe like getting back to writing. 

So all is good in Minnesota and all is good in North Carolina. We are making it work so far so good. I am proud of how he has transitioned so well.

 

A New Path

I watched him as we drove away from my parents with tears rolling down the side of my cheek behind my big black sunglasses. The soul-crushing sadness washed over me. Then I couldn’t stop crying. The flood gates opened. I thought, I’m not sure I can do this. Before we left he turned around one last time and gave me a big hug, and with his dimpled smile he said, “don’t cry, I’ll be ok.” I didn’t want to let go! He’s still my boy! My heart was in my throat when we pulled away. I wanted to run to him and hug him and never let go. 

There was so much I wanted to say . . .

I wanted to tell him just one more time how much I loved him and how proud I was. 

I wanted to tell him how smart he was and he will do great. Don’t procrastinate. 

I wanted to tell him to be a good teammate, keep a good head on his shoulders, and be respectful. Keep challenging himself and others around you to be better. 

I wanted to tell him I was sorry for all the mistakes I had made as his mother. I tried my best, yet there were so many times I struggled and felt as if I had failed him.

I wanted to tell him make sure he calls his dad. He’d like to hear from him. He’s still gonna need his dad! This is hard on him too!

I wanted to remind him to make good choices and have fun. He’s only 14 and so much more to learn. Whose gonna teach him things that I’m supposed to. 

I wanted to tell him to find his tribe of friends that will last a lifetime. The kind that will tell you when you mess up and stand up for you. 

I wanted to tell him to be careful and to never get in the car with someone who had been drinking. Do not go to parties that’s asking for trouble. Don’t ever drink or take drugs. There’s no such thing as I’ll try it just this once. 

I wanted to tell him that I believe in him and I pray for all of his dreams to come true. And it’s ok for you to pray too. Always can talk to God. Keep your faith.

I wanted to remind him to be kind and respectful and help others. He knows the right thing to do. 

I wanted to tell him to be humble and honest, to work hard and dream big. It’ll be hard but it’s not always easy to fight for what you want but it’ll be worth it. 

I wanted to tell him to study hard and do his homework and not to eat pizza or ramen every night. That popcorn and Lucky Charms are not on the food pyramid. 

I wanted to remind him to clean his toilet and brush his teeth, take his vitamins, and help take the garage out. 

I wanted to remind him to turn off the stove when he was done cooking, never leave popcorn unattended in the microwave, and empty the dishwasher. 

I wanted to tell him girls might be more interested in him but he doesn’t really have time for a girlfriend that just make friends with them. Respect them. 

I wanted to tell him to sit with the lonely and stand up for what he believes in and to stay true to himself. Be real. Be authentic. Be you always! Always keep your sense of humor! 

I wanted to remind him that God is always with him and to let God’s light shine through him in all that he does. Be thankful for what talents God has given him. Honor him always. 

I wanted to tell him to have a blast, take risks, be bold and adventurous.

I wanted to tell him he’s a role model for his cousins. They will always look up to him and they will be your biggest fans.

I wanted to tell him how much his brothers are so very proud of him and they will miss him as much as I do! Always find time for each other and text or call them. 

I wanted to tell him it’s ok to cry, it’s ok to feel things but to find someone to confide in. It’s important to talk about how you feel. Your mental health is important too! It’s ok not to be ok sometimes. Life is hard sometimes.

I wanted to remind him that no matter how big he gets, I will always be his biggest fan even though I’m not in the stands, I’ll be cheering for him at every game!

I wanted to tell him, I’m his momma and no one can ever take my place and I will always worry about him because he’s supposed to still be at home in his room where I can tuck him in at night. 

I wanted to tell him to call me whenever he needs anything and I will miss our long hockey road trips discussing life and world problems. He can still call me at night to have those talks. 

I wanted to tell him enjoy this time because you can never get it back and one day it will be over! 

But I didn’t say any of those things to my son. Instead, I tried to mirror his small smile and wave good-bye as I watched a piece of my heart fade away . . . to start his new chapter. 

I closed my eyes and took a moment to embrace this overwhelming sadness in this bittersweet moment, marveling at how I could feel so lost yet so proud at the same time. At this point forward . . . life will be different in our house. Not bad, not worse . . . but never the same again. It will forever be coming and going and no longer staying. Having to repeatedly do this over and over. It will be recognizing that my son is growing up. It will be taking a step back . . . I can no longer control things in his life, but yet always be there for him if he needs me. It is letting go of that little boy who loved matchbox cars, playing hide and seek with his brothers, Legos and embracing the young man that he is now. He is ready I hope and this is his time to grow and shine and learn and thrive. 

As a mother, you spend your whole life preparing your child to leave you but that’s supposed to be at 18 but even then, and when that moment comes, it’s heartbreakingly amazing and awful at the same time.

As we make the long drive back home, my heart just aches. I know it’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to admit this is hard. It’s okay to have a good cry. But I also know that I can’t stay in this place of sadness. I have to put on my big girl panties. I have to thank God for this glorious gift of motherhood that is both hard and beautiful. I have to keep moving forward with hope and gratitude for each day. I remind myself that I can do hard things. Philippians 4:13 

“I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”

And I know I can because that is what motherhood is all about . . . surviving the hard, the messy, all the ordinary, all the beautiful, and heartbreaking moments. I’ve been doing this since the day he was born. Every milestone reached, a mothers heart aches. I will thank God for my son who will forever hold a piece of my heart wherever he may be. 

When we finally get home, I realize that we did it . . . I notice that my sadness has been replaced with a feeling of excitement and anticipation because I am already looking forward to that day when my son comes home and walks through my front door again and planning my next trip to see him. This is his path not mine. I have to get up everyday and be a mom to two other amazing boys because they need me too. Our house has become a little more patient, a little more kind and too quiet. Three boy house is now two... 

I may cry in the quiet and alone moments because it’s just what a mom does but we put that smile back on our face and go about our day. 

I left a piece of my heart in Minnesota when I moved away from home and now there is another piece of my heart left in Minnesota. Whoever said home is where the heart is wasn’t lying... 

I know it’ll get better and it’s really hard right now and I need to take one day at a time. 

I love you! 

I’ll always be behind you!!! 

Allison Jacobson 

Lump In My Throat

Everyday 

Chances

Chances come and chances go

Then before you know

there they go

I hope you know

Whatever road you follow

Whatever rollercoaster ride

I won’t be too far behind.

I think back and remember the days

You were a baby crawling on the floor

To a toddler hanging on the boards

Always behind you to pick you up when you fall

I’ve been doing it all along

I knew one day you would let go

But I would want more

More time to go through it

But you knew you could do it

on your own now

The chance came for you to choose

Either way we can’t lose

I think you are ready to take that step

A leap of faith and no regrets

Chances come and chances go

Then before you know

there they go

I hope you know

Whatever road you follow

Whatever rollercoaster ride

I won’t be too far behind.

You have been staring down the blue line

From the inside of the boards

Ever since you were three years old

Dad and I cheering you on from the stands

I hope you know

I’ll always be your biggest fan

Ever since the day

they laid you in my arms

you wrapped your little fingers around my hand

I knew God must have some big plans

Where does the time go

It slips way so fast

Like the sand in an hourglass

I know you want to walk through those doors

And want so much more

And see what this world has in store

They say it’s just a game

It’s not about your last name

It comes straight from the heart

That will not leave once it starts

It's not just a game

It's about the chances life brings

Chances that come along or roll away

Chances that what they are

Will be what they are supposed to be

Chances may be all your dreams

But you have to step out and see

It’s never say never

It's never looking back

There should be no regrets

Your possibilities are endless

Then I believe your expectations

Will lead you to amazing destinations

Listen to your heart and you will find

Something that fills you up inside

You can’t quit or give up something

You love

No matter how hard you try

It will always be a part of you

In your heart and on your mind

Chances come and chances go

Then before you know

there they go

I hope you know

Whatever road you follow

Whatever rollercoaster ride

I won’t be too far behind.

~Allison Jacobson

4-19-17

Through The Glass

(I read a slightly different piece and changed to fit my story) 

You can barely see him through the foggy glass of early morning hockey or late night practice. 

The familiar clicks of sticks on ice and pucks hitting the boards.  

And that familiar kind of grinding sound the skate blades make as he turns hard through the corners. 

And among all the foggy silhouettes, you see him. The skating style you could pick out from anywhere. The way he swings his arms. The way he digs and glides around the corners. 

To you it’s a kind of magic. That’s your kid out there. 

On the second warmup lap, a stick hits the glass and startles you. 

It’s him. And he wants to make sure you’re watching. He smiles and chuckles at the reaction. 

Sure he is older now. More independent. The teen years make you face your own mortality. You realize how quickly this time has gone by.

Maybe he makes you drop him off around the corner so his friends don’t see you. 

Maybe he rolls his eyes sometimes. 

But he still loves you. 

Needs you. 

And although he may never admit it, he cares that you’re watching. 

He wants you to see how good he’s doing. 

That you approve of him

That you’re proud of him. 

So you still matter so much. Even when you don’t feel like it. 

He is just figuring it out. And it’s hard to be half kid and half adult. You probably remember. 

So things come out sideways. 

But not right now. Not this moment right here. It’s always perfect. It’s his safe spot. 

As the game starts, there’s just a joy in how he plays. How he goes after the puck as if it’s the most important thing in the world. And it is. At least for now. 

Because this is the place we all come to share the dream. To feel alive. 

Maybe it’s just about doing something to be active. 

Maybe it’s social. Maybe it’s team. 

And maybe it’s the quiet hope we are all so fearful to admit. That desire to play in the big time, and be the heroes we so badly want to be. 

So the game goes like so many.  Frozen moments in time that weave together a lifetime of treasured memories. I’ll have them forever. 

Battles for the puck. Offsides more times than you ever want to count. Them someone takes a cheap shot and hurts your kid and momma bear comes out. Part of you hates it because he deserves better. 

And part of you shakes it off because you realize this is real life now. The world isn’t always so fair and kind. 

But we get the hell back up—when we refuse to quit—we’re taking a stand. You can’t stop me. Ever. 

And we’re saying we refuse to be broken by anything. 

That’s the amazing thing about hockey. In just one game, you’ve lived out an entire lifetime. 

Joy and pain. 

Hope and disappointment. 

And when everything goes exactly right, it’s magic. 

The cheers. 

The pride. 

The team. 

He knows all of that without saying a word. 

There’s a beauty so great when you take advantage of the gifts that are wrapped in so many frozen moments. This is the space where you feel everything. Absolutely everything. 

And as the game ends—as the handshake lines scatter and the sea of boys pours off the ice—you see him. 

Tired. Red-faced. Sweaty and exhausted. 

But there’s just something about that smile. 

You’ll never forget it. 

It says I love you and I’m proud and I’m happy in a way I can never shape with words. 

And when you can’t find the words, you know you’re in the presence of God that makes all of this so incredibly, heartwarmingly, bittersweet beautiful. 

It’s like he found a way to fly. 

All of it was worth it. 

The sweaty car rides, hockey bags, and broken sticks, thousands of miles, hours of window time, long talks about life, the ever revolving bank account, hotels, plane rides and bumps and bruises were all somehow worth it. 

Just to see that smile.

Keep flying and keep dreaming! 

Here we are 116th day

Yes still dealing with Coronavirus and on day 116 of the world being turned upside down. 

Pretty much tired of hearing about it. 

Praying everyday that vaccine will come. Then the vaccine comes then there will be an uproar because not everyone will get vaccinated...

The world is a scary place for our children right now and they don’t realize it. 

None of it makes sense.

When things are confusing...

One of my favorite Bible verse is Proverbs 3 5:6. “Trust in the Lord with your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your path straight.”

In a time like this, we are never going to understand what is happening around us but we can lessen our anxieties by knowing God has this. We need to trust that this will end and we will have better days ahead. 

Take each day and be thankful for what is around you and enjoy the small moments because they are the big moments.