My First New Venture

Now that I will be hitting the trails and roads alone with all the kids in school, I thought why not start a running group for moms at the school after morning dropoff...

So this is my first new venture...

My plan behind it, is to inspire other moms to get out there and get moving. They can start by walking if they have to. We will meet at the school track after they drop off their child and stretch and then head out. I have put together some routes and other locations we can meet. We will meet twice a week. If I wasn't doing it a group I would be doing it alone. We have some beautiful places and trails to run but it can be scary to do it by yourself...I always am prepared and carry my pepper spray or I have Jake with me. 

It will be a great way to meet other stay home moms at the the boys school and have those discussions with other moms that we so need. It is also boring to run alone and safer to run in a group.

I created a facebook group that will be the place where we will list information for the group such as tips, cancels, and routes races, and nutrition, etc. My plan is to start this in September. I will be released to run in a couple weeks and then see how it goes on my own for awhile. I am going to have to ease back into it slowly.

I have reached out to some other moms and they are very excited to get started. I called it Hillsborough Elementary Running Group because we don't want to exclude dads if they want to join us. I had thought about calling it Moms On The Run...but I didn't want to shy away anyone by the title.

Hopefully it will be a success and we can inspire others to get out there and hit the road. 

Fitness is important to me and my family and it should be a priority to better yourself not only for yourself but for you family!

My goal by the end of the year would be to see a lot of our running group members participate in one of the local runs in Hillsborough and prove to themselves they CAN do more than they thought they could! 

Stay Calm and Go Run! 

Happy 8th Birthday to our Goofball!

The many faces of the middle child! He is our comedian and marches to his own beat and doesn't care what anyone thinks! Silly boy...

Always pushing the limit since he was born two weeks early at 10 pounds! 

You may be as stubborn as a mule, strong as an ox but you are my little kind hearted teddy bear!

You are a passionate, driven, and determined child. I am so proud of the boy you are growing up to be. 

You amazed us at birth and still amaze and never cease to surprise us to this day! 

I love you to the moon and back! 

Bookworm

My little studious bug! 

Thankful and blessed! 

A Famous Norwegian

My oldest had to pick an early explorer but he wanted something no one else would have picked because everyone was picking Christopher Columbus or Marco Polo. If you had the same as someone else you could pair up as a group. He said he did not want to pair up with anyone. He gets that from his mom ~I hated group projects because we don't like to leave things up to other people and I guess Braedyn feels the same way. He had a similar experience to mine where someone took all the credit. He doesn't really like the "group" projects.  The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

So I asked him if he had heard of Leif Ericson and of course he had not but he may have if we were still in Minnesota! There is even a statue of him in near the capitol. I told him him he should research that explorer because our families heritage is Norwegian and he was a famous Norse Explorer. He was intrigued. So we got home and he went into his room to start his research. I was proud of him he was learning not only of just any early explorer but someone from history and his heritage. These days things like this are lost. He thought the coolest part was that he was a viking and he came to America before Christopher Columbus!

I was proud of him and he is going to tell his teacher today who he picked and I am anxious to hear what she says...and if she had heard of him. 

We were discussing how we are Norwegian because Grandpa Jacobson's parents came to the United States from Norway and there is still family there and my relatives were also Norwegian. At our breakfast table this is what happens every day I am just used of it~A simple discussion turns into a competition...

He says, "Well I am more Norwegian than you because I have blue eyes and blonde hair and I play hockey"... That kid! Everything has to be a competition or an argument.  Hmmm I wonder where he gets this from!

So I replied, "Cooper you may look like you are Norwegian but your brothers are too and you are also German and French.

So we had a little history lesson at the breakfast table this morning before heading out the door...

It's always nice to know where you come from and kids are most curious about this I am learning as they get older. I remember when I was in elementary school I found a family tree book at my Grandma Nelson's. I found it very interesting to page through it all the way back to the ships that came to America. Knowing where we came from gives us an identity. I guess this is my job because unfortunately they don't get to go and spend all summer hanging at grandma and grandpa's house sitting on the porch chatting away the day or digging through old picture/story books. Those were summer's I treasure and I still remember. These days families are spread out more and moving around and away from each other. We move to where the best opportunity is for the family. We don't love each other any less and we have to make that effort to keep the families close. It is a part of who we are...

 

A Dinner Coversation For Only Boys

The boys were having spelling duals at the dinner table last night but not your typical dinner table conversation or spelling test...

What words can be spelled backwards and still spell a word!

The giggling was priceless!

Only Boys...

What is poop spelled backwards?

What is boob spelled backwards?

What is peed spelled backwards?

What is star spelled backwards?

What is Mom and Dad spelled backwards?

silly boys...

Hours of fun with paper...who knew

The boys new favorite thing! Paper airplanes... 

They have even searched you tube on how to make "cool" ones! 

Hey it's great cheap entertainment! But of course it turns into a competition of who's flies the fastest, straightest, or farthest! 

This is what my floor looked like this morning! 

Favorite Wall Display

We took these pictures on the beach celebrating Jordan's first birthday and they are my favorite family pictures! 

I really need to update since he is 5 now :)

 Just wanted to share an pinterest inspired idea...

I am not sure if the company exists anymore but it was called At Home America is where that wall display came from...

Innocently Spoken -out of the mouth of babes

I had to type this before I forget because it was so innocent and cute...

I was walking Jordan into school yesterday and this little girl waved to Jordan and said Hi to him.

We continued our walk to his room and I asked him who that little Chinese girl with the glasses was that said hi to him was and he replied, 

"She's not Chinese she speaks English!"

Just like the time Braedyn was in Kindergarten and made a friend named, Keshawn. I asked him if he was black like his friend Luther..he was confused and said what do you mean Luther is brown. So then we talked about how some people call African Americans, black people and we are White.

and he said so innocently...

"but mommy we aren't white, we are peach"

Now if everyone just thought of each other like kids think of colors like the colors in the boxes of crayons like the story the boys have that everyone is equal...

wouldn't the world be a more friendly place...

As I was telling another mom that story we both chuckled as we wondered what if on an application for race we can put Peach or Nude :)! 

Thrifty Thursday

I found a really cute straw beach hat and I have been wanting a cute country hat so I countrified this beach hat with a little sewing job and a bone necklace...

2$ at thrift store.

Here is a dressy outfit I picked up...

Dress I got at the Thrift store for 5$ and sandals I had gotten on sale at a boutique for 15$ and a silpada necklace I got on sale for 20$.

Total outfit $40!

A Letter To My Boys 2014

I had to wait to write this after the first week of school or I couldn't see passed the tears!

To my dear sweet boys as you start school this year and leave momma all alone during the day for the first time in 10 years, I pray that God watches over you and keeps you safe. I wish that you all have a wonderful year in Elementary school!  It is your first and your last and you have only a couple more left! Enjoy this year together because it is the only year that all of you will all be in the same school together! 

It warms my heart as you all entered the building together hand in hand on the very first day and it makes me get teary eyed every time I look at it. This is a picture I have to treasure forever!

I know that you will take good care of each other and watch out for each other like brothers do. You will now be with your teachers longer than you are with me. That is going to take awhile for your mom to get used to! So don't be alarmed if out of the blue I start giving you hugs, kisses and public displays of affection before I leave in the morning or even at home out of the blue, just because I missed you! Here are a few things I want you to remember while you are at school:

I want you to stand up for each other if you see one of your brother's is being bullied by another child because I have taught you that and even if it isn't your brother you know to do that!

I want you to cheer each other on during recess and kickball games because that is what we do in this family. We are a team.

I want you study hard and get good grades because you know that is what we expect from you and if you need help your mom and dad are always here to help...go to your dad for Math! Your older siblings have been through it and can teach you the solutions. Inorder for them to have learned it they must be able to show you how to do it as well or they didn't learn it as well as they thought they did. You will quickly find out, Mom isn't always up on the way they do things in school these days. When you look back at this on your graduation day sometime maybe Common Core won't exist anymore!

I know you will have good days and bad days just like we all do but you have to learn how to get through them on your own and I will be here at the end of your day and always listen.

If you see your brother, please acknowledge him because that is probably the highlight of your little brother's day! He looks up to you so much. You are never too cool! You know how it feels to be left out and that's not cool.

If it storms and you are at school, I know you will be scared and I am not there-your teachers have prepared you in the best way possible and even though they say prayer is not allowed in school I'm telling you it is okay. You can say your prayers just like we do at home.

If I need to come and get you, I am a phone call away! But I will be getting all of you because I am not driving that far again at 2:30!  So don't be surprised one day if I come and get you in the middle of the day without any warning.

I hope you know how much I love you all. You each have a piece of my heart with you wherever you are and in whatever you do. I wish I could be a little fly on the wall in your classrooms and watch you learn and grow as I have done all the years that we have had since you were a baby. I now give that baton to your teacher during the day.

I have made a promise to myself that after school I will be a more patient mom because I will get my things done before you come home because you deserve my attention after being in school all day and every day. I will try to do your homework with you and it's ok if it has to wait for daddy's help. I will play catch and play ball with you, swim or play board games with you. The one reason I am present because I missed you all day. I want to be present in your young life. This is important to me.

Time does fly by and I can't believe all of you are in school together. I used to dream of that day and think it was so far away but now that it is here it is really hard to believe. Mom is getting older and I just want you to know I don't want to miss anything, I want to enjoy all of our days because one day you will all be gone and off to college. Now that seems far away but it really isn't because this week came entirely too fast. 

I know you will have a wonderful year and so will your mom. 

I will always be your first teacher!

I LOVE YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK!

time ticks away 

and one day

you look up 

to a young man 

who once was this little boy

who used to ask to sit on 

your lap 

or get on the floor with his toys

used to rock you to sleep on 

my shoulder

and sit with you for hours

where I knew you were safe

and here you are so much older

Waves

Now being alone

the emotions can

come over me in waves

because they are just at the surface

sometimes a nudge and I can get past it

or forceful by pushing me along to get by

or there's the little ripples all together

brushing me lightly every once in awhile

and I am left on the shore 

staring out to the distance

 

What shall I do today!

My Old Rocking Chair

working on a little something....

As he took off 

I watched the gravel dust

kicked up 

from his dad's old truck

I remember when he gave him the keys

and he promised me 

he would never leave

the dust 

faded off into the air

watching from my old rocking chair

I've seen alot from there.

Reports From the First Week of School

The first week of school of 2014-15 is in the books! 

They all like their teachers and classes so far!

It was a great first week. 

I loved hearing them talk in the car on the drive home about how and when they would see each other and Braedyn and Cooper even get to have recess together and play kickball.

Jordan's lunch overlaps with Braedyn's so it was cute a story he told...

Jordan's class came in for lunch and he sat down with his lunch box and wanted to milk. So he butted his way up to get a milk and grabbed it and headed back to table when his teacher told him you have to go pay for that on your account. He did.

He then sat across the lunchroom from Braedyn and his friend Colby who also had a milk. Jordan then raised his milk carton to cheers Colby from across the room and he raised his back...so cute!

They watch out for each other for sure and that warms my heart!

A Fun Tournament Day with Friends

Braedyn had an opportunity to play a fun tournament with friends and some teammates from his spring team. It was an extremely hot weekend near the 100's. They had so much fun and took home the first place trophy!

My Special Last Day With My Baby

Since we had one more last day together before school really started for Jordan I wanted a special day with him. I didn't get that before because I was still recovering from surgery! 

We had a fun day as we went "junking" to see what kind of treasure we could find. He is so fun to take to the thrift store! He came across cassette tapes and said, "Hey mom, these are cool but what are they? Songs or something? How does it work? That was funny...I suppose not even the older two have seen a cassette tape before!

We had a special lunch date and still had time to kill before picking up the other two so we played at the park and got an ice cream treat!

I think he will remember that we did that! A day all about Jordan!

I treasured it!

3 Week Post Op

Three weeks post operative appointment and I was released to walk and swim! YAY!!! 

Everything was great and I have healed quite amazingly fast from all my workouts! It was funny when he said, "lay back so I can take a look at the stitches and then he laughed and said you don't have to lay down just lean back!" I go back in three more weeks for more in depth appointment to make sure the inside stitches have healed and I can go back to my normal things but yes I will ease into the running!

All of the symptoms from Essure have gone away so much so that my contact lenses are too loose now and I have to get tighter ones!

I have so much more energy it is quite amazing!

Hallelujah!! Amen! 

Toddler Playdates to Doggie Playdates

I took the dog for a walk today and came upon another gentleman walking his dog who is a neighbor and he asked if I could let Jake off his leash and let him play...

I said "no, because he might run off and he has never been off his own property."

As a mother we protect all of our children even our 4 legged ones!

I could not let him off of his leash. I am sure he probably wouldn't leave my side just like my other children but I didn't want to take that chance.  Maybe I was a bit fearful of him leaving too. 

He will be happy to have a lot more of my attention. 

I was talking with this man about my dog and some local dog parks and realized I am going froms scheduling toddler play dates to doggie play dates!

Strangely Quiet

I can hear the birds

I can hear the refridgerator running

I hear cars drive by 

it's too quiet...

As I laid down to take a nap I couldn't. I felt there was too much to be done. It was too quiet in this house and I could not just lay still in this silence and who am I kidding I would lay here stare at the ceiling and wondering how Jordan is doing or reminiscing about my kids and how quickly this time arrived.

So walk outside and take the Dog for a walk and enjoy the peaceful country air. As I took my walk the one thing that stood out in my mind. 

I realize, gosh I am getting old....

All the kids are at school. I am going to be 40 in two years. I recently had a hysterectomy. I color my hair to cover my grays. I am taking many different vitamins and am always in search for the best wrinkle cream. 

I am one of those moms now that I used to look at and think gosh I wonder what that feels like and I wonder are they loving life right now...or do they feel lonely while their kids are at school all day.

I have to say I was kind of jealous some of those days, I would be pushing my cart around Target while  one child is hanging off the cart, one sitting in the cart opening some sort of snack that I just put in the cart, and then another one singing songs or running up and down the aisles of the store. The worst part was when they were playing hide and seek under the clothes racks. They think it's funny but it would leave me with a panic attack thinking someone stole my child. But who am I kidding my kids run like cheetahs and scream like monkey's ~I might figure something is up! 

I know why when another woman would pass me and smile, they know what I am going through and I would take comfort in that. 

I would hear them talking of making lunch plans for a date in the future, while I am thinking of what fried food I will be throwing in the oven or will it be a cereal kind of dinner.

They might even nap...by themselves. Not with a baby or toddler lying on top of them or kicking them with their crazy arms and legs.

They even get a shower. Alone!...and not a two minute shower but long enough to get the shampoo and conditioner completely out of your hair and they might even get to shave your legs without looking like someone attacked you.

They have a clean house not just one that the toys are neatly placed in a bin but one that has shiny floors and clean toilets. 

They get to volunteer at school at their leisure not just show up at dropoff with whatever you rolled out of bed in.

They can go to the gym and get the baby weight off that has accumulated over 10 years or so. 

I used to go to my women's bible study in whatever was laying on the floor which was usually workout gear because I was always in hope maybe I can sneak in a workout. While the nice southern ladies would show up showered and pretty in their dresses and makeup. But they know me, they have been there before! They can appreciate me even showing up at all.

With all of that being said....

I now do know how they feel because I am one of those moms. 

I wouldn't trade all the messy stuff that I went through to get here because it was all a wonderful mess! I was even a wonderful mess at times! 

I can look back to reflect and laugh and cry because I had awesome times with my kiddos and memories made! 

I am one of those moms, and yes I do feel lonely at times throughout the day when I am missing my kids because this is all new to me. I try to stay busy and quickly realize how long 7 hours can last! I sure can fit a lot into those 7 hours I have learned. 

I can do all of those things that I used to think would be so great to do if I had the time. I am learning how to do them by myself and at one point was talking to a child in the car but he was at school! 

It is a stage in life that I am learning to get through and because I was a stay at home mom and my identity is shaken a little bit. 

Well now that I have my time while they are gone, I will be more patient with them when they come home to get homework done and fix dinner. Then have to tackle bath, brushing, and bedtime. 

I have had that time to be me and just take time for myself during the day which I have never done. It feels good to be able to do that. I don't have to balance everything all at one time while juggling those hats with three kids attached to my hip all day. 

It is the best job ever to be a mom and it is the hardest job ever! It is a job that is good enough for me and I will gladly say I will not and am fortunate enough right now not to have to have a full time paid job outside the home. I would rather have the unpaid selfless job as a mom because I get paid in so many other ways! No one ever said it would get easier,  it only gets harder as they get older but that's why it is so much more important to take that time out for myself so I can be here for them when they really need me and I don't need to wonder if their laundry is clean!

The house is strangely quiet but for me it's the peacefulness I need right now and I can listen to the whispers that God is trying to tell me and help me with this along the new journey and stage of my life. I ask him for guidance.

And when I see that mother in line at the grocery store or walking through Target I will give her that kind smile because that's what we do!

First Day of School

The first day of school was a very emotional day for me. It actually hit me on Sunday evening as I was tucking Jordan into bed and realized he is not my baby anymore! He has grown up into a sweet little boy who is soon going to be gone all day at school with his big brothers. There is no more cuddling all morning long under the covers with him while the Disney Channel plays in the background.

I got in the shower that evening and just let the tears flow. The culmination of the surgery and the finality of never having another baby of my own with my baby starting kindergarten somehow made me crack. I couldn't hold it in or stop crying. I never had time to come to terms with it until the day was actually here. Braedyn was starting his last year at elementary in 5th, Cooper in 3rd, and Jordan in Kindergarten!

I knew it would be an emotional time for me. My kids have become my life and it's what I do everyday. They are so much a part of who I am and what am I going to do when they are not here during the day. I am sure I will eventually fill in that time with something but it's going to be quite an adjustment period. 

I am very happy my husband had the day off to help me with the first day of drop off. We got up and I was crying before we even left for the drive to school. We got our annual first day of school photos at home and then when we arrived to school. I guess someone was taking pictures for the district website because we were also on the county schools website. I was glad they got me from the side!

They all walked hand in hand into school and we dropped off the older boys first and then walked Jordan down that long walkway to the Kindergarten building. 

By the time I got to his room a couple of the teachers saw me who knew me well and I kind of lost it...Good thing Charlie was there to help Jordan get unpacked. I snapped pictures and just watched him get settled into his little chair and table from a distance and as I turned to walk out he ran over and my sweet little man gave me a big hug then I walked out with tears running down my face.  

Good thing Charlie took the keys because I may have sat in the parking lot until the end of the day. 

I picked them up at the end of the day and they had a wonderful first day and Jordan had a big smile on his face. They were all exhausted and Jordan fell asleep on the way home. Now he would have two days off and go back Thursday as it is a stagered start for their class. So Thursday was another round of emotions.

Summer Nights

working on....

why don't we Sail away
to a place the palm trees sway
wasting away some Lazy days
just soaking up the rays
Drop down that rope
and let us float
rocking to the rythym of the night
it feels so right
underneath the pale moonlight
waves crashing on the shoreline
everything will be alright

Summer nights aren't long enough

Summer nights and bodies touch

The moon glistens off your skin 

And I fall in love all over again

Summer nights made for this

Sweet as your cherry lip balm kiss 

the smell of the salt in the ocean air

the way you run your fingers through your hair

take me back there 

where we were young and free

didn't care who we were or what was going to be

it was perfect you and me

Thirfty Thursday

Been so busy here's my catchup to Thrifty Thursday...instead of clothes I thought I would share my completed junked out shelf.

Everything is from a antique store or garage sale. Except for my wedding candle inside of the birdcage. 

Meet The Teacher

And it begins....big boy on his way to meet the teacher! 

Sniff sniff

Today I was ok...practice run. No tissues. I knew I wasn't leaving him so I was still ok! 

I'll let you know how Monday goes. I know it will be a different story! 

Toothless

 And that's 8! They are all falling out at the same time the poor kids has no front teeth! 

Keep on Pedaling

He has been wanting to do this for so long and he did it today!! It had to be on his own time and today was the day. He always told me when I turn 5. I guess that was the magic number.  He was so proud...as was I. Daddy took off his training wheels. We have crossed yet another milestone in the house. Actually we took the training wheels off all the bikes in the house now. A person would look at our driveway this afternoon and think the whole neighborhood was over but no it's just their bikes. I had a hard time letting go of bikes...I figured they'd always then have one for their friends that come over. I am glad that I kept the spiderman bike because this bike is the bike that all of the boys have learned to ride a "big" boy bike on. It no longer has a hand break thread, there is no more padding left in the seat and the handle bar grips are duct taped. It has been very loved. Who needs a special bike from one of those special bike shops ~ ours came from the Target bike aisle. And it still is the bike the older boys prefer to jump on and ride around the yard...so it means something to them too....

I watched him ride down the driveway slowly come to a stop, lean and jump off quickly before he feel off.  At one point while trying to learn to turn a sharp corner he fell off into the rose bushes but he was so full of pride and confidence those thorns did not hurt. He got right back up without crying and tried again. When I look at that picture, it makes me smile and I will keep to remember that precious moment when daddy let go and I followed.

I also thought about what he had done this morning and he may have taught me a little life lesson as I reflect back on it.

We all could look at life a little bit like learning riding a bicycle... just a few phrases came to mind.

keep on pedaling don't stop

don't look back keep your eyes forward

get back up and try again, even if it hurts

strong and steady

I'll always be here behind you 

I'll catch you if you fall

I will give you a push and you keep going

Have Confidence, you got it

And it begins...mom will always be here! We all need a cheerleader in life! He has a loud one!

As he grows he will continue to hear these phrases as they take on different meanings throughout life... and it will bring me back to that day back on Sunday, June 6th, 2014 when he was 5 years old and he just kept on pedaling!

Good Rules to Live By!

Feeling Like Me Day by Day

It has been 9 days since my surgery and I am finally feeling a little more normal this morning. 

The pains have decreased a little day to day and I am able to get around more and even go up the stairs. It was killing me not to know what the upstairs looked like. My OCD had to take a little break and that was hard to do! 

Today I thought I would try my contacts. My Dr. had said my eyes would still be a little inflamed after surgery just because of the strong drugs and trauma of the surgery. I put them in today and I can say it is the first day I have had them in and I can wear them comfortably. When I had Essure in, I could only wear them for an hour and they immediately would hurt and I would fight getting them out. I am happy to say I can wear my contacts now!

The pains come and go and the left side is still the worst where they removed a cyst but that is to be expected. It is tolerable...

I am looking forward to hitting the road and running a couple miles. I know I need to wait until my six weeks is done. I am looking forward to being pain free all day. I have more patience with the boys. I am looking forward to not falling asleep at 3 pm because I am exhausted. I am looking forward to going school shopping on Monday for school supplies! Being sedentary and laying in bed for a whole week is and was very difficult for me! I did enjoy the snuggle time, hugs, and kisses. I would lay in bed and the boys would crawl up and snuggle with me and drift off to sleep and I would just stare at them as they were so peaceful and take in the moment and feel blessed. It has been interesting to me this past week, the middle child who likes to test me to my limit is the one most concerned if I am ok and being so loving. They all took care of their mom and were helpful and Charlie has gained a new appreciation for what I do on a daily basis. I am wondering if making their beds, keeping their rooms clean and putting their laundry away will continue...

I still have my days where I get emotional but it's getting better. I think it's because now that I can stay a little busier and not laying in bed thinking about it I am able to put it in the back of my brain for now... well until Monday the 14th! 

This surgery probably not only saved me from a lot of medical problems down the road but also saved my life. So I am thankful for that today.

Women know their bodies and that's what I kept telling my Dr. 

I am glad I never gave up!

Now I have control again!

Happy 4th of July

This time last year we were in South Dakota and planned on going again until this surgery was scheduled. So we would rather be there with family on the lake but at least I was able to finally get out and enjoy the day with the family! 

Thrifty Thursdays

Trying to get back to this... Gives me something to do while I'm stuck at home recuperating... 

Here's another Thrifty Thursday outfit. 

Blue layering tank clearance 3$ Target

White Express tank top 7$ Clothes Mentor

Carolina Blue J Crew polka dotted shorts 12$ Clothes Mentor

22$ outfit !! 

Quote For The Day

"I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back." ~Maya Angelou

Reflections

I have had some time to reflect on the past surgery and my emotional roller coaster that I have been riding. I am always telling my children how life is not fair sometimes and I know how they feel today...

Let me start by saying I feel so blessed to have the life I have. I am thankful that God has blessed me with three wonderful, beautiful, and healthy boys. My family is the center of my life. This is maybe why I am so emotional about what I have been going through this past week. 

1. Because I no longer will give birth to children of my own 

2. Because my baby is starting kindergarten. Time is moving fast...

I knew that my husband and I were done having children at this point in our lives. We have three boys that keep us very busy and with the youngest starting kindergarten and with no family in the area we can't go back to sleepless nights, diapers, and bottles. It would not fit our lifestyle. 

It wasn't until this past week that the decision was made real and final. I feel that decision was mine to make but ultimately in the end it was taken away and wasn't mine to make anymore and this is where I struggle with the emotions lately. 

In the OR prep area it was becoming very real...I could not contain my emotions and which then led my husband to also become very emotional. I told my husband this is like torture...they are taking my uterus and then put me on the post-partum floor with babies crying down the hallway. I was saying goodbye to that part of my life which I had so loved. I loved being pregnant, I love babies, and sometimes Jordan asks for a baby brother, and we loved having little babies in the house. You can say that you are done growing your family but when they are going to remove the "home" for a baby to grow and you cannot physically carry a child anymore it is very final. As they wheeled me back to the OR with an IV drip, all I remember is crying so hard that the nurse was trying to calm me down. I saw a bright light as the doors opened and I was out....

I was undergoing a total abdominal hysterectomy and removal of my cervix along with a bilateral salpingectomy. The reason for the surgery was because of the adverse side effects of a medical device that was implanted in me by the same gynecologist who recommend it over a tubal occlusion. He talked me into the device and I trusted him. My body was rejecting the device and I was in pelvic pain, chronic inflammation in my body leaving my joints hurting daily, bleeding which led me to become anemic, weird rashes on my body, and an autoimmune disorder which was causing me to feel like bugs were on my body, I could no longer wear my contacts because my eyes were inflamed, and I was exhausted. He agreed we needed to remove the device and to do so it needed to be done that way. I was having to come to the realization yet again but FINAL decision that I was done bearing children. 

The surgery went as planned and there were no difficulties. They found a cyst on my left ovary which also needed to be removed while they were doing the operation. I came out of recovery into my room and my husband was with me through the whole thing and standing by my bedside. He was my advocate for me while I was in recovery and spoke with the physicians.

It was a very painful experience. I stayed in the hospital 2 nights and 3 days. I really missed my family. I came home and rested. After the pain had subsided a little bit and I was more alert, I looked at my belly and have very mixed emotions. I suppose it is to be expected that I would feel this way...Mostly because this is not the way I planned it. It wasn't really my choice to have this operation but I had to in order to live my life fully and healthy and back to the mother I had been before Essure was implanted. 

I lay in my bed and sometimes tears just start stream down my face. I am an emotional train wreck. 

As the boys are all gone this morning with their daddy, it became apparent to me that it was way to quiet in this house and in two weeks when Jordan starts kindergarten, this is what my days are going to be like. I should be jumping for joy, right?? It is kind of a little scary to me...

I am so thankful I had this whole year with Jordan. I feel God planned it this way...

I got to spend time with my last child before he goes off to kindergarten. I treasure this past year now more than ever. We had so much fun together this year and he was with me everywhere I went. My little shadow! 

I was struggling with "mom guilt" as they have a short summer the way it is...with year round school and going back already in two weeks with their mom in bed recovering from major surgery. In the long run this is a good thing I have to remind myself and we will make up for it when I am healthy.

God blessed me with a wonderful life, a loving husband, 3 beautiful boys, my extended family, he placed me in a location that I absolutely love, and friends that mean the world to me. In the end, it is a good thing and I will be healthy again after I am fully healed. Through this ordeal, he has also gave me the courage and wisdom to plead with my Dr. that this is what needed to be done. He has answered my prayers and I am so thankful to be on the road to recovery. 

I pray that he continues to give me the strength I need to push through the hard days. 

Through my family I am reminded daily how blessed I am. 

I will forever have this scar to remind me of several things in my life...

1. I created 3 beautiful children inside of me

2. My trust was broken 

3. I am strong 

4. It will not define me

5. Life goes on and children grow

6. As one organ left my body, my heart grew twice as big

7. I am an overcomer

8. I will speak out on women's health

9. Treasure each and every moment with your child

10. I am a mother and no one can ever take that from me

I put my faith in the lord....

I can smile now because I know God watched over me and kept me safe...

"The Lord is my strength and shield, I trust Him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy." Psalm 28:7 NLT