I have had some time to reflect on the past surgery and my emotional roller coaster that I have been riding. I am always telling my children how life is not fair sometimes and I know how they feel today...
Let me start by saying I feel so blessed to have the life I have. I am thankful that God has blessed me with three wonderful, beautiful, and healthy boys. My family is the center of my life. This is maybe why I am so emotional about what I have been going through this past week.
1. Because I no longer will give birth to children of my own
2. Because my baby is starting kindergarten. Time is moving fast...
I knew that my husband and I were done having children at this point in our lives. We have three boys that keep us very busy and with the youngest starting kindergarten and with no family in the area we can't go back to sleepless nights, diapers, and bottles. It would not fit our lifestyle.
It wasn't until this past week that the decision was made real and final. I feel that decision was mine to make but ultimately in the end it was taken away and wasn't mine to make anymore and this is where I struggle with the emotions lately.
In the OR prep area it was becoming very real...I could not contain my emotions and which then led my husband to also become very emotional. I told my husband this is like torture...they are taking my uterus and then put me on the post-partum floor with babies crying down the hallway. I was saying goodbye to that part of my life which I had so loved. I loved being pregnant, I love babies, and sometimes Jordan asks for a baby brother, and we loved having little babies in the house. You can say that you are done growing your family but when they are going to remove the "home" for a baby to grow and you cannot physically carry a child anymore it is very final. As they wheeled me back to the OR with an IV drip, all I remember is crying so hard that the nurse was trying to calm me down. I saw a bright light as the doors opened and I was out....
I was undergoing a total abdominal hysterectomy and removal of my cervix along with a bilateral salpingectomy. The reason for the surgery was because of the adverse side effects of a medical device that was implanted in me by the same gynecologist who recommend it over a tubal occlusion. He talked me into the device and I trusted him. My body was rejecting the device and I was in pelvic pain, chronic inflammation in my body leaving my joints hurting daily, bleeding which led me to become anemic, weird rashes on my body, and an autoimmune disorder which was causing me to feel like bugs were on my body, I could no longer wear my contacts because my eyes were inflamed, and I was exhausted. He agreed we needed to remove the device and to do so it needed to be done that way. I was having to come to the realization yet again but FINAL decision that I was done bearing children.
The surgery went as planned and there were no difficulties. They found a cyst on my left ovary which also needed to be removed while they were doing the operation. I came out of recovery into my room and my husband was with me through the whole thing and standing by my bedside. He was my advocate for me while I was in recovery and spoke with the physicians.
It was a very painful experience. I stayed in the hospital 2 nights and 3 days. I really missed my family. I came home and rested. After the pain had subsided a little bit and I was more alert, I looked at my belly and have very mixed emotions. I suppose it is to be expected that I would feel this way...Mostly because this is not the way I planned it. It wasn't really my choice to have this operation but I had to in order to live my life fully and healthy and back to the mother I had been before Essure was implanted.
I lay in my bed and sometimes tears just start stream down my face. I am an emotional train wreck.
As the boys are all gone this morning with their daddy, it became apparent to me that it was way to quiet in this house and in two weeks when Jordan starts kindergarten, this is what my days are going to be like. I should be jumping for joy, right?? It is kind of a little scary to me...
I am so thankful I had this whole year with Jordan. I feel God planned it this way...
I got to spend time with my last child before he goes off to kindergarten. I treasure this past year now more than ever. We had so much fun together this year and he was with me everywhere I went. My little shadow!
I was struggling with "mom guilt" as they have a short summer the way it is...with year round school and going back already in two weeks with their mom in bed recovering from major surgery. In the long run this is a good thing I have to remind myself and we will make up for it when I am healthy.
God blessed me with a wonderful life, a loving husband, 3 beautiful boys, my extended family, he placed me in a location that I absolutely love, and friends that mean the world to me. In the end, it is a good thing and I will be healthy again after I am fully healed. Through this ordeal, he has also gave me the courage and wisdom to plead with my Dr. that this is what needed to be done. He has answered my prayers and I am so thankful to be on the road to recovery.
I pray that he continues to give me the strength I need to push through the hard days.
Through my family I am reminded daily how blessed I am.
I will forever have this scar to remind me of several things in my life...
1. I created 3 beautiful children inside of me
2. My trust was broken
3. I am strong
4. It will not define me
5. Life goes on and children grow
6. As one organ left my body, my heart grew twice as big
7. I am an overcomer
8. I will speak out on women's health
9. Treasure each and every moment with your child
10. I am a mother and no one can ever take that from me
I put my faith in the lord....
I can smile now because I know God watched over me and kept me safe...
"The Lord is my strength and shield, I trust Him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy." Psalm 28:7 NLT
