I can hear the birds
I can hear the refridgerator running
I hear cars drive by
it's too quiet...
As I laid down to take a nap I couldn't. I felt there was too much to be done. It was too quiet in this house and I could not just lay still in this silence and who am I kidding I would lay here stare at the ceiling and wondering how Jordan is doing or reminiscing about my kids and how quickly this time arrived.
So walk outside and take the Dog for a walk and enjoy the peaceful country air. As I took my walk the one thing that stood out in my mind.
I realize, gosh I am getting old....
All the kids are at school. I am going to be 40 in two years. I recently had a hysterectomy. I color my hair to cover my grays. I am taking many different vitamins and am always in search for the best wrinkle cream.
I am one of those moms now that I used to look at and think gosh I wonder what that feels like and I wonder are they loving life right now...or do they feel lonely while their kids are at school all day.
I have to say I was kind of jealous some of those days, I would be pushing my cart around Target while one child is hanging off the cart, one sitting in the cart opening some sort of snack that I just put in the cart, and then another one singing songs or running up and down the aisles of the store. The worst part was when they were playing hide and seek under the clothes racks. They think it's funny but it would leave me with a panic attack thinking someone stole my child. But who am I kidding my kids run like cheetahs and scream like monkey's ~I might figure something is up!
I know why when another woman would pass me and smile, they know what I am going through and I would take comfort in that.
I would hear them talking of making lunch plans for a date in the future, while I am thinking of what fried food I will be throwing in the oven or will it be a cereal kind of dinner.
They might even nap...by themselves. Not with a baby or toddler lying on top of them or kicking them with their crazy arms and legs.
They even get a shower. Alone!...and not a two minute shower but long enough to get the shampoo and conditioner completely out of your hair and they might even get to shave your legs without looking like someone attacked you.
They have a clean house not just one that the toys are neatly placed in a bin but one that has shiny floors and clean toilets.
They get to volunteer at school at their leisure not just show up at dropoff with whatever you rolled out of bed in.
They can go to the gym and get the baby weight off that has accumulated over 10 years or so.
I used to go to my women's bible study in whatever was laying on the floor which was usually workout gear because I was always in hope maybe I can sneak in a workout. While the nice southern ladies would show up showered and pretty in their dresses and makeup. But they know me, they have been there before! They can appreciate me even showing up at all.
With all of that being said....
I now do know how they feel because I am one of those moms.
I wouldn't trade all the messy stuff that I went through to get here because it was all a wonderful mess! I was even a wonderful mess at times!
I can look back to reflect and laugh and cry because I had awesome times with my kiddos and memories made!
I am one of those moms, and yes I do feel lonely at times throughout the day when I am missing my kids because this is all new to me. I try to stay busy and quickly realize how long 7 hours can last! I sure can fit a lot into those 7 hours I have learned.
I can do all of those things that I used to think would be so great to do if I had the time. I am learning how to do them by myself and at one point was talking to a child in the car but he was at school!
It is a stage in life that I am learning to get through and because I was a stay at home mom and my identity is shaken a little bit.
Well now that I have my time while they are gone, I will be more patient with them when they come home to get homework done and fix dinner. Then have to tackle bath, brushing, and bedtime.
I have had that time to be me and just take time for myself during the day which I have never done. It feels good to be able to do that. I don't have to balance everything all at one time while juggling those hats with three kids attached to my hip all day.
It is the best job ever to be a mom and it is the hardest job ever! It is a job that is good enough for me and I will gladly say I will not and am fortunate enough right now not to have to have a full time paid job outside the home. I would rather have the unpaid selfless job as a mom because I get paid in so many other ways! No one ever said it would get easier, it only gets harder as they get older but that's why it is so much more important to take that time out for myself so I can be here for them when they really need me and I don't need to wonder if their laundry is clean!
The house is strangely quiet but for me it's the peacefulness I need right now and I can listen to the whispers that God is trying to tell me and help me with this along the new journey and stage of my life. I ask him for guidance.
And when I see that mother in line at the grocery store or walking through Target I will give her that kind smile because that's what we do!
